


Amnesiac

by WhiskeyAndStout



Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Guilt, Loneliness, M/M, Temporary Amnesia, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:07:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26386879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiskeyAndStout/pseuds/WhiskeyAndStout
Summary: After the events of DS, Sam comes across Higgs Monaghan, who has lost his memories.Tags and ratings will probably change as it goes.
Relationships: Sam Porter Bridges & Higgs Monaghan, Sam Porter Bridges/Higgs Monaghan
Comments: 13
Kudos: 55





	1. Wolf at the Door

It'd been two years after the Last Stranding had been stalled and life as Sam Porter Bridges knew it had been flipped on its head.  
He was living outside the Network, a rogue entity, wanted but not enough to be found. In a bunker deep within the forested mountains, he lived a life perhaps similarly secluded to his old one, but with much more joy and freedom.  
Lou laughed happily as Sam played with her, making a puppet talk and tell silly jokes.  
The rain pattered dully on the metal roof, an almost constant drone that they've grown used to.  
In all, Sam was finally comfortable and content with his life, raising Lou, working through his own demons and trying to figure out what he wanted out of life. 

Of course, on this particular rainy night, something would break his peace and monotony.  
Sam had put in an order for more baby supplies with an up and coming delivery service that promised discretion and privacy, and had become very popular among preppers who still did not quite trust Bridges or Fragile Express.  
When his security system started up letting him know that the delivery had arrived, he heard the voice of the porter through the telecom.  
"Ah, Mr. Sam Unger? I've got your supplies right here."  
Sam had already been on his way to press the button to open his mailbox latch, but stopped when he heard the voice. Not because of the assumed name he'd given for the delivery, but because the voice was so damn familiar but he couldn't exactly place where he'd heard it before.  
It was an awkward, stuttering, meek kind of voice, but one that seemed affected, as if someone were putting on an act.  
"Um… Sir? I said I--"  
Snapping out of his thoughts, Sam pressed the button and walked to the front door of the bunker. Lou whined from the livingroom and tottered awkwardly until she fell back on her butt, unable to walk very much on her own yet.  
The package was fine, and in much better condition than he'd expected given how remotely he lived and the torrent of rain out there.  
As he was about to let the porter know the condition of the package over the intercom, a sudden image came to him.  
Heavily lined eyes under a blue Bridges hat.  
The nuke.  
"Contents are Fragile."  
The voice was almost exactly the same.  
His heart hammering in his chest, Sam opened the door to his bunker and ran up the stairs to the front of the shelter to see a very confused but all too familiar figure in full porter getup, a hat pulled low over his eyes.  
"Is there a problem, Mr. Sam Unger?"  
There was no doubt now, seeing him and hearing him only a few feet away.  
"Higgs?"  
"Huh?"  
The porter stepped back, but still stayed under the shelter roof. He pulled his cap back slightly and Sam could see his bright blue eyes narrowed in anxiety. They weren't lined, and there were no tattoos on his face, but he could never forget that face.  
"Higgs, what the hell is this?" Sam growled, clenching his fists at his sides. Cold panic was battling with hot anger in his chest.  
"I'm not… I think you have me confused with someone else, sir. I'm sorry. My name's Peter," the porter stammered, holding his hands up in front of him defensively.  
"What, Peter Englert?" snorted Sam. "Cut the crap, I know it's you."  
Peter looked terrified in a way Sam had never seen Higgs before, and frowned as he backed further away.  
"I mean yeah, that's my name. Listen, fella, I don't know who you are. I'm just gonna go."  
"You ain't going anywhere. I don't know what kind of bullshit you're trying to pull, Higgs--"  
"I don't know who this Higgs person is! I-- … actually, I don't even know who I am," he finished slowly, his voice shaking, still a much higher pitch that Sam was used to.  
"What the hell are you trying to say?"  
"Listen, sir, I don't know who you are, but if I did anything bad to you, I'm sorry. I'm gonna go--"  
Sam had his hand grasped around Higgs' wet sleeved arm before he could even budge, and after a short tussle, had him pressed against the shelter wall. Higgs' eyes were wide with terror as he struggled in the shorter man's hold.  
"So what, you're just gonna pretend none of that shit ever happened and just live life Scott free, huh?"  
"Sam, I-- I mean, sir, I don't know what you're talking about. Please, you're hurting me."  
At hearing his name spoken by that voice, Sam released his grip a little on Higgs' wrists, but still held him in place.  
"What do you mean you don't know who you are?"  
"I mean, I… I don't know who I was. But no one has recognized me, so I… never really had to question it. I mean, I woke up around a year ago without much memory of anything that had happened in my life. So…"  
Sam clenched his jaw in agitation as he mulled this over, annoyed at the unfairness of it all but at the same time feeling a slight comfort at the idea that Higgs might have the chance to do it all over and redeem himself. He thought of the fight they'd had on The Beach, and all of the things he'd admitted while they pummelled each other into the tar.  
"So… Mr. Unger. Like I said, I'm sorry if I did you any harm before."  
"It wasn't me you did much harm to. Lots of other good people would probably have killed you on the spot, though."  
Higgs swallowed heavily and seemed to shrink into the wall, hanging his head a little. When he next spoke, the affectations were dropped and replaced by the familiar Southern drawl.  
"You know, when you came out of that door, I reckoned you seemed familiar. But I thought it was in a good way. Like an old buddy, or something."  
"Definitely not buddies," Sam snorted, backing off of the taller man, "I'm gonna guess that was a one-sided feeling."  
"O-oh," Higgs sighed and looked away. His eyes softened and his shoulders slacked, and after a moment of thought, he cleared his throat to speak.  
"Are you going to let me go or are you going to keep me any longer? I still have packages to run."  
With palpable reluctance, Sam took another step away from Higgs and waved toward the shelter's entrance.  
"Do what you want. I can't exactly do shit to you. But there's probably something else you're gonna want to know."  
Higgs was hiking his pack onto his shoulders and looked about ready to book it before he turned his head towards the ex-porter.  
"You're a wanted criminal. You were a terrorist, a fucking heinous one, that nuked a few entire cities. It's not likely many people would recognize you by your face, but like me, there are a few people out there."  
"Jesus Christ. You can't be serious."  
"Dead fucking serious. If anyone catches you, recognizes you, you're probably as good as dead."  
Higgs had turned white as a sheet and his knees buckled under him slightly before catching himself against the shelter wall.  
"No... There's no way. I would never…"  
"Uh, you okay? Don't go fainting on my doorstep."  
"I… I couldn't have. Fuck."  
Higgs held his head in his hands and groaned in pain, and fell into a heap against the wall.  
"Higgs! Ugh, goddammit," Sam grumbled to himself as he tried to help the other man up, only to find he had indeed passed out.  
"Just my fucking luck. Try to leave all this shit behind and it just shows up at my door like a bad nightmare."  
Sam took the pack off of Higgs and then hauled him onto his back, stumbled a little, and then carried him into his shelter.  
"Aaah!! Who??" Lou screamed, looking up at them with saucer eyes.  
"Nobody. Stay there, honey," Sam soothed before dumping Higgs onto the couch. The man groaned when he landed but otherwise still seemed unconscious.  
Lou made more noises of concern and Sam scooped her up and rocked her to try and relax her. She couldn't exactly articulate what she was trying to ask yet, and Sam understood perfectly, but couldn't exactly answer her without making her even more frightened.  
Seeing as Higgs seemed completely out like a light, he took the time to get Lou ready for bed.  
Later on, with her tucked into her crib and fast asleep, he went to check on Higgs, who was now sitting up on the couch looking around with a dazed expression. His cap had fallen off and his sandy blonde hair was tousled.  
The former terrorist's looks had always annoyed Sam before, and now it was an even more unwelcome agitation to him. A strange mix of jealousy and attraction bundled up in his gut with the hatred and disgust he usually felt about the man.  
It made Sam feel unwound in an uncomfortable way he'd never felt about anyone else, and it got under his skin more than he'd like to admit.  
"Sam?" Higgs drawled, looking over at the shorter man through glassy, dim eyes. "What happened?"  
"You passed out after I told you about your past. Did I trigger something?"  
Higgs frowned and squinted at the floor, but stayed silent.  
"Look, I'm not gonna go and call the feds on you. But I ain't about to help you either."  
"I appreciate that," Higgs whispered, clenching his knees in obvious discomfort. "Thank you."  
Sam folded his arms and leaned back against a wall. An awkward silence fell between them for a moment before Higgs got up and walked over to Sam.  
"I think… I remember you, sort of."  
Sam hunched into himself defensively and eyed Higgs suspiciously.  
"You do, huh."  
Higgs opened and closed his mouth a few times, seemingly trying to decide whether to say something, and shifted anxiously.  
"Well?"  
"I think some things are coming back to me. But it all seems real foggy, like a dream."  
"Well, apparently you were being controlled by Amelie for a while."  
Higgs' eyes went wide and he went pale again, and before a repeat of before could happen, Sam quickly helped him to the couch again.  
"Dammit. Don't you have anywhere else you can have existential crises in? Hey, stay with me. Don't go passin' out again."  
"Is this even real? This is too crazy, I can't... believe this…" Higgs stammered, taking deep breaths as he held his head in his hands. Sam felt awkward holding him upright, and felt annoyed at the heat he felt in his face.  
"Just take it easy. Where are you staying? Is it far from here?"  
Higgs nodded his head slowly and took another shuddering breath.  
"I usually just find a place to camp out, and just keep going on, you know, for days."  
Sam sighed heavily, trying to decide what to do with him. It occurred to him then just how tired and malnourished the other man looked. There were deep shadows under his eyes and his cheeks were more hollowed than he'd remembered. He couldn't help but feel some sympathy, no matter how much he chastised himself for feeling that way.  
"I'm sorry, just give me a minute to… get my head on straight, and I'll get out of your hair."  
"I used to push myself to death like that back when I was a porter. You don't get nothing from it, you know."  
A wry smile ghosted Higgs' lips and he looked straight at Sam, locking their eyes momentarily, which made the shorter man fidget.  
"Yeah, I remember. Legendary Porter. Sam… but your name wasn't Unger. Sam… I don't remember the last name. I was a porter too. It's the only thing I could remember for sure."  
The conversation and the expressions Higgs was giving him was heading all of this into more dangerous territory than Sam wanted to deal with. He clenched his fists and looked away, trying to ignore any sympathetic feelings that could cloud his judgement. Even if Higgs was being completely honest, there was no reason for Sam to give him the time of day. At least, he knew he should feel that way.  
"Well, in any case, you oughta know your name was Higgs Monaghan. The name you're going under now was a fake name you'd used to bug me with stupid orders."  
"Bug you with orders?" Higgs almost laughed, eyebrows raised, "Well, it was the name on the ID I had on me when I, uh, woke up without my memories."  
"Look, I understand your brain is scrambled or whatever. But I don't really want you around here."  
"Ah. Right. Right. I'm… sorry, I'll just take my leave, then," Higgs mumbled while getting up, his flushed face sullen.  
Sam walked with him to the door and watched as he put his pack on. It was still pouring out, and Sam wrestled with the soft part of himself that wanted to invite the other man in for the night. But he wouldn't risk putting Lou in that kind of danger.  
"Um, Sam," Higgs blurted, and Sam was slightly startled when he looked up to see his intense eyes boring right into him.  
"Sam, I... I know you probably hate me. I can see that much. But for what it's worth, I actually--"  
Lightning boomed and then crackled around them, causing them both to jump a little. A muffled baby's cry warbled from inside the bunker.  
"I gotta go. Baby's crying."  
"Uh. Right," Higgs sighed, frowning, "I hope I can see you again, Sam."  
"I hope I don't."

Beyond a sheet of rain, Higgs watched Sam spare him one more glance before walking into his shelter and closing the door. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, and only now seemed to realize the hammering and pattering of rain surrounding him.  
"Sam Porter Bridges," he muttered to himself, hiking up his pack and heading out into the woods.  
His heart was still hammering in his chest, and his hands shook gently as he held onto his pack straps. 

All during his trek back toward the main road, he couldn't shake the shock of having come across, and remembering, Sam Bridges again. Memories seemed to keep spilling over one after another, but they were all hazy and were only specific events without really telling him much about what had happened.  
The rain finally let up as he approached the end of the forest at the edge of a cliff, and he realized he'd been so deep in thought he almost walked over the edge. Taking a few steps back and catching his breath, Higgs looked up to see the clouds part and reveal a giant, bright full moon that lit up the valley below, creating inky shadows.  
"Could I really have been such a monster?" He murmured, settling down to sit and think for a while. He couldn't imagine having wanted to hurt anyone, let alone Sam, even when images of fighting flashed through his mind. What would he have wanted out of such destruction? None of it made sense.  
A specific memory hung less vaguely in his mind.  
Sam in his Bridges porter uniform, a glowing bridge baby strapped to his belly, looking at him with disdain and suspicion. In the memory, he knew he was saying things to Sam that were annoying him. Something about… an extinction. Something about Amelie, who he couldn't quite place, but remembered that she was important.  
He had been so exhilarated, even the thought of the memory gave him goosebumps. There was so much power coursing through him then, so much self-assuredness; nothing like how he was now. And that angry look Sam was giving him, he…  
Higgs felt his face heat up and took a deep breath, stunned at the range of emotions such a vague memory could unfold. Why had he felt so strongly, seeing Sam so pissed at him then? Did he hate him, or…?  
"So I was some kind of evil terrorist following some woman named Amelie, and I had strong opinions about the hero porter. And lots of people will probably want to kill me. Goddamn, Higgs Monaghan, what kinda mess did you get me into?" he thought to himself morosely.  
The wind brought a chill and he shivered while wondering what he was to do now, being a wanted criminal despite wanting to do good by people.


	2. Everything in its Right Place

Sam kept to his promise that he wouldn't tell the UCA about having seen the Homo Demens terrorist, even though a part of him wrestled with the idea of getting some kind of justice for Fragile. In the end, though, he really didn't want to have to contact anyone at all and compromise his own privacy.

It would be weeks until they would see each other again by chance.  
The former porter had been harvesting mushrooms and cryptobiotes further down the mountainside when the rain began, and Lou, strapped to him almost like the old days, pointed and alerted Sam to nearby BTs.  
With Lou a growing baby outside her pod, Sam couldn't take the chances he used to, and quickly sought out a shallow cave to hide in.  
"Oh!" Sam exclaimed, momentarily startled, "I didn't expect anyone else to be in here. Wait… damn. Is that you again?"  
Higgs stood up from his crouched position at the back of the cave and took off his cap.  
"Well. If you ain't a sight for sore eyes."  
The restored familiar edge to Higgs' voice made Sam's hair stand on end, and he hoped to God he wouldn't have to regret not having reported him.  
"Thought I told you I didn't want you around here," Sam grumbled, and took a seat against the side of the cave. He held Lou possessively to his chest, even though she was already strapped there. Unaware of the tension between the two men, she was focused on trying to grab a cryptobiote out of Sam's pouch.  
Looking disappointed but not surprised, Higgs chuckled sadly and looked beyond Sam to the rainy landscape outside.  
"That's not very hospitable of you. I had some orders in the area. You know, I do like helping people out. Like you used to, Sam Porter Bridges."  
The named man narrowed his eyes and shifted in unease at the mention of his name, but he stayed silent.  
Higgs walked closer to Sam, sat down Indian style, and seemed to study Sam's face for a while.  
"Thanks for not reportin' me."  
"Don't make me regret it."  
"I won't."  
Some time passed in silence as Higgs watched Lou play with the finally captured cryptobiote until it floated away. The baby scrunched her face in frustration and whined, reaching toward the bug that hung now several feet above her.  
Higgs got up and retrieved the cryptobiote, and handed it to Lou, who squealed in happiness and resumed playing with the poor insect. Sam watched Higgs like a hawk, and when the latter realized that he smiled sheepishly and backed away.  
"She's a cutie. Was she your… bridge baby?"  
Sam didn't answer, and instead glared at Higgs before looking away.  
"You know I'm not gonna try to hurt you, right? I'm just trying to… have a normal life now. Is that so bad? … Sammy, you're the only person I... have any connection to anymore. I'm not gonna bug you if you don't want me around. But I don't want to be your enemy."  
Sam's face had turned noticeably pink, but he frowned and continued to stay silent.  
Higgs sighed in defeat, mumbled "fine," and sat back down to wait out the storm.  
Suddenly, Lou began crying hysterically, and the ground shook as giant black handprints entered the cave. Sam covered Lou's mouth, but it was too late-- the BT had already started heading toward them.  
Sam cursed and struggled to move back as quietly as he could, but the tar handprints had materialized into a full blown BT before them.  
In one swift motion, Higgs swung the assault rifle off his tool rack, took aim and blasted as many chiral rounds into the groaning specter as were in his magazine. The BT contorted and glowed gold as it was hit, and seemed to melt into the ground into tar until it dissipated altogether. Higgs slammed another magazine into his rifle as he rushed over to Sam and Lou and stood in front of them facing the front of the cave, trying to make sure no other BT would threaten them again.  
Sam let out a heavy breath and uncovered Lou's mouth, who was whining and crying at both the BT and then the loud shots. He unstrapped her from his chest and began rocking her to try and soothe her, whispering that everything was okay.  
The crying drew another BT toward them, but Higgs blasted it away before it could even approach the mouth of the cave.  
Eventually Lou's cries died down and she eventually whined herself to sleep, absolutely exhausted from all of the stress. Sam sighed, strapped her back in and stood up, looking at Higgs with a tense expression.  
"Are they gone?"  
"… Think so. Goddamn, that was close."  
Higgs relaxed a little and packed his gun, but stayed where he was.  
"Um… thanks."  
The taller man hummed distractedly, and Sam put a hand to his shoulder.  
"It's alright. They're gone."  
Higgs nodded and turned to Sam, and upon realizing he was touching him backed away out of arm's reach.  
"Right. Is she okay?"  
"Yeah. Just tired herself out crying."  
"That's good. I know you can come back, but…"  
Sam looked incredibly conflicted, and patted Lou's head while chewing the inside of his cheek.  
"I mean, not that I'd want you to get eaten either. I… nevermind. Looks like the rain's starting to let up."  
"Higgs."  
"Yeah?"  
"If you, uh, have no where to stay tonight… I mean, if you want to, you could come back with us. To my shelter."  
Unexpectedly to Sam, after a brief look of surprise, Higgs turned away coldly.  
"That's … mighty kind of you to offer, Sammy. But I'm going to have to decline. I um, don't want you to think you owe me anything for that."  
Sam shook his head, frowning in confusion.  
"No, it's not that. I mean, sort of. You saved my baby's goddamn life. Offering you a couch to sleep on isn't exactly a debt."  
"I just did what anybody else would've done. See you around, Sam."  
Higgs briskly exited the cave, leaving a confused and conflicted Sam still collecting his bearings.

That intense feeling of instinct still buzzed in Higgs' fingertips as he trudged through the muddy terrain.  
"What in God's sakes was that? Like a machine," he muttered to himself, kicking rocks as he walked.  
Shooting that BT and protecting Sam and his baby from harm had come like a dormant second nature, and the realization that he cared enough about Sam to protect his baby at the risk of his own life made him feel strange and alien to himself.  
But most of all, the look of gratitude on Sam's face had made him feel queasy.  
"Someone like me doesn't deserve that expression from someone like Sam. To stay at his damn place. I was a… I'm a monster. Right? Wasn't I?"  
Just as he thought he'd finally gotten a hold of who he really was, when the memories started returning and making him remember all of the cruel and evil things he'd done, he just further confuses himself by automatically doing something like that without even thinking about it. As much as Higgs thought he had remembered of his past life, he really hadn't remembered even a fraction of it.  
"Maybe I'm just selfish, and it was an act of selfishness. Yeah, that must be it."

Under the blanket of timefall rain, the pressure felt appropriate for how oppressed he felt by his own heart. All of it was unwelcome: the new memories, the new emotions, the sudden change in his behavior. It was as if he'd become possessed and he had no idea how to wrestle back any sense of control. The dam had cracked and began to crumble. There was no stopping it now.  
His legs took him down into the valley as if of their own accord. Higgs' mind was playing over old memories as if on a slide projector screen, flicking constantly from people, landscapes, explosions, and tar.  
A voice echoed in his head.  
"Selfish piece of shit like your real Daddy was. Leaving me to have to slave after you."  
"Useless fucking garbage."  
His eyes clouded and voice lifeless, he continued to deliver the rest of his packages that day as if under a spell. He'd finally remembered Daddy. Daddy, and the power of DOOMS.


	3. I Might Be Wrong

Although Sam struggled against the feeling, he couldn't help the concern for Higgs' wellbeing from sprouting up in him since that time in the cave. He seemed shocked and upset as he left, and Sam had a horrible gut feeling that fighting a BT might have triggered some unfortunate memories. Although he didn't have to wait long until they next met, Sam felt the familiar anxiety wash over him from time to time over whether or not Higgs was out there trying to cause destruction again. 

Only a few days later, Higgs found himself yet again delivering a package to Sam's doorstep. The order had sat in the queue for over a day before he reluctantly took it. Not too many porters were brave or crazy enough to go so far off the road, especially near BT country.  
Luckily for Sam, Higgs was certainly crazy enough for the job.  
Not waiting for any kind of evaluation, the sullen porter turned to leave just as the cargo was packed onto the shelf. By the time Sam opened the door, Higgs was already heading into the woods.  
"Wait. Higgs!"  
Zipping up a jacket as he jogged, Sam tried as quickly as he could to catch up to his former nemesis.  
"What do you want, Bridges?"   
Sam recoiled at how miserable and bitter he sounded, and even after Higgs stopped, he approached cautiously.  
"I... I wanted to see how you're holding up."  
Higgs' shoulders shook gently with a silent chuckle, and he finally turned around to look down at the other man.   
"What's the matter? Don't I look okay?"  
There was an unfamiliar, broken sound to his voice, and Sam frowned in concern.  
"You look halfway dead."  
Higgs laughed joylessly and hung his head.  
"That's not very polite, Sammy. But I know. Ain't that why I wore the mask? I remember that skull."  
He reached his arm out as if to summon the very same mask, but nothing happened. He clenched his fist and swung his tired, melancholy eyes to Sam's.   
"I can't do nothin' anymore. See? Nothing to worry about."  
Sam felt his veins go cold as Higgs' icy eyes met his own. He felt like he was looking at an animated corpse-- if not because Higgs was supposed to have died on the Beach, or that he was practically skin and bones now, but the defeated and lifeless look in his eyes, which used to sparkle with so much energy and purpose.   
"I'm... worried about you," Sam admitted slowly. Higgs sighed as if the notion made him even more tired.  
"I ain't gonna be killing nobody out there, so quit worrying."  
"No, I mean… I'm worried about your health."  
Higgs narrowed his eyes in confusion, and took a step forward, looking more closely at Sam, who in return shrunk back. The shorter man was visibly frustrated with himself, and maybe Higgs too.  
"Why?"  
"Well," Sam sighed, clenching his fists in annoyance, "I just am."  
Higgs eyes swam away again and regained their previous clouded look.   
"You got better shit to worry about than a ghost. I won't be around much longer to bug you. Evenin'."  
As Higgs turned again to leave, Sam grabbed his arm and pulled him around again.  
"Stay with me."  
It took Higgs a moment to register the command, as if his mind and body were running in slow motion. If possible, he looked even more dejected when he processed what Sam had said.  
"Now why would you want me to do that?"  
Sam wouldn't answer, but instead just stared into his face stubbornly.  
"Don't pity me, Bridges."  
Sam pulled on his arm towards his house.  
"I-- I'm not even done with my deliveries for the day."  
"Anything urgent?"  
"Well, no, but…"  
Sam tugged him and began walking towards his bunker, and Higgs stammered and tripped after him.  
"Come on, Bridges, cut it-- I really don't--"  
Higgs was not so gently pushed into Sam's warm house, and before he had the chance to think, the old hero was removing Higgs' pack and placing it by the coat rack.  
"What about your baby?" Higgs whispered, looking around.   
"She's napping."  
"No, I mean--"  
"Stop. I'm gonna take care of you at least for one night, and that's that. No I'm not pitying you. No I don't feel like I owe you. So shut up."  
Higgs blinked at him owlishly with his mouth hanging open, and drawled out a small "o...kay."  
Sam deflated a little, cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck.  
"Uh, so… you can use my bathroom and shower if you'd like. Sleep on the couch, whatever. I'm gonna go finish up dinner."  
Higgs watched him disappear into the next room, and once alone released a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. He was utterly mystified by Sam's behavior, but decided to quit fighting it. A hot shower sounded kind of amazing to him, anyway.

By the time he finished washing up, Sam was already plating the dinner. Higgs approached the kitchen table shyly, feeling like an unwelcome intruder into such a domestically cozy scene.  
Lou was shoving cut up spaghetti into her mouth with her little baby hands, and Sam was just sitting down to start on his own plate of pasta. He smiled warmly at Higgs once he noticed him approach, and the villain felt his stomach flip.  
"Have a seat. Hope you like spaghetti. I'm not the best cook but it's one of the few things I don't completely fuck up."  
Higgs offered a small smile in return and sat down to eat, realizing this would be his first hot meal in ages.   
"Um. Thanks, Sam. I appreciate it."  
"Hi!" Lou yelled at him, her face covered in sauce.  
"Uh… hi."  
"Hi!"  
"Howdy."  
"Hi!!!"  
"Alright, alright, hon', leave him alone," Sam murmured and tried to make her focus on her food again.   
Higgs chuckled softly, the little scamp somewhat chipping away at the coldness of his heart, and finally took a forkful of the spaghetti.  
When the taste of sauce, oregano and cheese together finally registered to his tastebuds, he dropped his fork and gasped as a flashback tore through his brain.  
"Oh-- Higgs? You okay?"  
He stared blankly at the table, a hand to his forehead as he saw his old bunker, messy and strewn with papers, photos and pizza boxes. The orders to Sam. My Dear Sam Bridges…  
"Pizza," he finally mumbled to himself, sitting up again.  
Sam raised his eyebrows in recognition.  
"The orders to annoy you, it was pizza, wasn't it? I always… ordered that."  
Sam nodded, still looking concerned.  
"Are you alright, Higgs?"  
The taller man took in a deep breath and blew out a "yeah, yeah, I'm fine."   
They ate mostly in silence, Higgs ruminating over his memories while savoring how delicious the food was, and Sam wondering what he could do to help him.  
Halfway through, Sam opened a bottle of wine and offered a glass, which Higgs gratefully accepted.   
"I feel so spoiled," Higgs laughed quietly. He was on his second glass of wine, and even with a belly full of pasta, he felt a pleasant fuzziness throughout his body. It seemed to dull the constant chatter of self-hate in his brain, if only for a short span of time.  
Sam smiled at him-- another warm, honest smile that made Higgs feel tingly-- and shrugged.  
"Just for some basics?"  
"Not basics for me."  
"You oughta treat yourself better," Sam urged before beginning to clear the table. Higgs stood to help.   
"Nah, I don't really deserve this kind of thing. I do appreciate you inviting me, though. I'll always cherish this."  
Sam regarded him awkwardly and just grunted in response. As much as he knew this was the same Higgs, in his behavior there seemed little of his old self.   
After they filled the dishwasher, Higgs stood watching Sam with a wistful expression, his cheeks and lips rosy from the drink. After turning the machine onto wash, Sam looked up and noticed he was being stared at. Warmth filled his body in a way he wasn't entirely comfortable with, particularly below the belt. It was certainly a new feeling-- at least, since Lucy died.  
"Why does he have to be so damned handsome?" He thought to himself angrily. He hoped vaguely that his attraction wasn't coloring his decision to try and help the other man too much.   
"Hah… I'm sorry, Sam. I'm… I just…"  
Higgs never finished his sentence and continued staring into Sam's eyes, making that warmth increase. Sam's heart squeezed with a familiar, urgent and incredible feeling.  
And at that moment he realized how much he'd suppressed this crush during the expedition, whenever they'd met.   
"Um."   
Sam wrenched himself out of whatever hypnosis he let himself fall into and backed up, which also made Higgs stand up straight with an embarrassed expression.  
"I… I'm gonna go… uh… Lou…"   
Sam quickly walked over to clean up Lou's face and table. She shrieked, at first with annoyance at being cleaned, and then with giggles. He picked her up and left the room.  
Higgs sighed heavily and rubbed his face with his hands.

Later on, when Sam returned to the kitchen after playing with and then tucking in Lou for the night, he found Higgs sitting half asleep at the table with his head resting on his arms.  
"Um. There's a pillow and blanket on the couch."  
"Thank you kindly," Higgs chirped, rising from his chair with a tired smile.

After Higgs and Sam entered the livingroom, the former just sat down on the couch without making any move to set it up to sleep on yet. Sam noticed his mood seemed to have dipped again since dinner, and he hovered there wondering what he should do or say.  
"Hey Sam," Higgs said quietly, "would you mind keeping me some company for a spell?"  
Higgs patted the seat next to him with a little smirk. Sam couldn't help the heat that prickled up his neck and inwardly cursed at himself. He sat next to the taller man with a decent amount of space between them.  
"What's on your mind?"  
"Well, it's about some stuff I remembered earlier. Um… my old bunker. You happen to still know where it is?"  
"Yeah. Not exactly a place I could forget."  
Higgs laughed nervously and looked away from Sam, picking at a loose thread on his shirt.  
"Yeah, well. I guess I'm just a psycho, huh. I… those pictures. I don't remember why I took them. Um. I'm sorry, though. I'm real sorry about any weird or bad shit I put you through."  
"I don't really put much trust in words anymore," Sam grumbled, and watched Higgs fiddle with a string, and then fold his arms in embarrassment. He knew he was ogling-- Higgs' undershirt clung to his wiry muscles and didn't leave a whole lot to the imagination, and with his head tipped to the side, looking in the other direction, his neck was stretched out-- but he decided to just let himself at least look for a moment. In his mind, this was probably the most "action" he would get in a long, long time.   
"That's understandable. I hope… I mean, in a way it's probably for the best for you to not trust me, or like me at all, but I hope I can at least prove to you that I'm… I'm trying to just live a normal life now."  
"You've already proven I can trust you somewhat."  
Higgs shook his head with a pained expression and looked at Sam.  
"Well, anyway, do you think you could give me directions to my old shack?"  
"I could take you there."  
"What?" Higgs laughed sadly, "that's…"  
"I could use a roadtrip, to be honest. Been cooped up in here too long. Lou loves to travel, too. Plus, I do need to pick up some bigger items I can't really get shipped out here."  
"You… have a vehicle?"  
"I have a printer. Next best thing."  
Higgs nodded slowly, doubt and surprise in his eyes.  
"Why would you let me hitch a ride with you? I mean, I don't even fully understand why you invited me here in the first place. You... You hate me, right?"  
Sam let out a strained "well…" before deciding to think harder about how he should explain himself.  
Higgs moved closer to him and put a hand on Sam's arm.   
"I really appreciate you bein' so nice to me, Sam," he murmured in a tone that, combined with the touch, made the other man lightheaded, "I really do, it's more than this old demon could ever deserve. But I don't think I could accept all this in good conscience. I'm capable of doing the trip on my own--"  
"Higgs. I'm not entirely being as selfless as you seem to think. Um. You know, learning more about you, and… there's probably some moments between us that you don't remember yet, but they made me feel like I get you. A whole lot more than other people. I don't really want to be around anyone-- well, besides Lou-- but… I have to admit it gets kind of…"  
"Lonely?" Higgs suggested with a squeeze to the arm he still had his hand on.   
Sam nodded.  
"Well, I guess you have your reasons, Sam," Higgs sighed, and while thinking kept patting Sam's arm. Eventually Sam cleared his throat, which made him pull his away with a small "sorry."  
Sam chuckled a little, trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach. It annoyed him that he felt like an excited teenager, but he supposed the lack of socializing, physical contact, and lack of interest in any other person for so long would do that to a person.   
"Alright. Alright. I'll accept your offer. I don't know how good of company someone like me could possibly be, but that'd be your problem, I guess. Unless there's some underhanded shit going on," Higgs wondered aloud, side-eyeing Sam.  
"W-what do you mean?"  
"Buttering me up to sell me off to the police, or setting me up to torture me, or something. I suppose I'd deserve it--"  
"No no no. Nothing like that."  
Higgs hummed and seemed to be trying to analyze him for any lies.   
"I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I'll want to have anything to do with you if you get up to your old bullshit again, though."  
"Wouldn't dream of it, Sammy."  
"Just… things are different now."  
Wanting to have any contact again, Sam put his hand on Higgs'. The latter looked down at their hands and then back up at Sam, his cheeks coloring as he tilted his head slightly.  
"I noticed that old phobia is gone, huh. The last time I saw you… it's all a blur, but I seem to remember you pulled me out from drowning in the tar."  
Higgs threaded his fingers into Sam's delicately.   
The realization that he was far lonelier than he'd thought and far more attracted to this new docile Higgs than he'd been giving himself credit for suddenly came to a head when Sam couldn't control the lewd thoughts and wants that began to fill his head just from simple hand-holding.  
Sam suddenly got up from the couch and muttered out an awkward, " Uh, goodnight. Talk to you tomorrow. Um. Night," before striding out of the room towards his bedroom.  
"Uh… Night?" Higgs called after him.

He looked down at his hand, clenched it and sighed. His heart was still hammering in his chest as he laid down to sleep.


	4. Optimistic

Higgs awoke in the middle of the night after a terrifying nightmare, his heart pounding and adrenaline coursing through his body.  
Barely remembering where he was, he blindly reached around the dark, feeling empty walls.   
His dream played over and over in his head. Gruesome BTs and tar surrounded him at the flick of a wrist. A twitching, popping corpse, leaking tar everywhere.   
His hands kept passing blank walls. He kept walking, his breath ragged. Where was he? Was he still dreaming?  
In his mind, a giant catcher BT bounded its way toward him, and he beckoned it. A giant explosion. Thousands of people, gone in an instant. In his dream, he laughed and laughed and laughed.  
In the dark, he stumbled, soft empty laughter came out with every heavy exhale.  
That couldn't have been real, could it?  
A crater the size of an entire city, smoldering with death.  
Suddenly, he fell. His leg hit something, and he fell over onto the floor, laughter pouring out of his mouth like a spigot.  
He had been so proud of all of the murder, all of the destruction. There was so much pain in him; she was the only one who could ease it. It was all for her.  
Trying to focus his eyes through the darkness, he found his eyes too full of tears to see.   
"What the hell was that? Higgs?"  
The familiar gravelly voice broke Higgs from some of his confusion.  
Right. He was in Sam's house.  
The sobs came in full force despite himself, body shaking and heaving with trauma.   
"Jesus, Higgs, what the hell happened??"   
Sam's concerned voice barely made it to Higgs' mind as he just kept crying. A pair of hands suddenly pulled him up and onto something soft-- a bed, it felt like-- and Higgs struggled weakly but was easily subdued.  
"No, no, please don't hurt me. I swear I'll be good. Please stop," Higgs whimpered pitifully, tears still falling fast.  
Strong arms wrapped around him tightly and a hand was soothing the back of his head.   
Higgs vaguely took in the sensations, and his body went slack, his sobs dying down into silent heaves and sniffles.  
Sam pulled him over so Higgs' head rested on his shoulder, and kept rubbing his back and shushing him.  
"It's alright. You're here with me. Everything's over."  
After a few pitiful hiccups, Higgs stopped crying and his breathing evened out.  
"That's it. Just relax. It's okay. You're okay," Sam murmured to him.  
Once some of the fog began to lift in Higgs' mind, and the realization of where he was and what he was doing hit him, he felt absolutely mortified.   
Sam was humming something to him and holding him despite basically having had a meltdown right on him in the middle of the night. It was enough to almost make Higgs cry again, but his pride was too awake for that now.  
"Uh… Sam…"  
"Sshhh. Just go to sleep."  
"I'm so sorry, Sam."  
"It's okay. Everything's alright. Just go to sleep."  
The sensation of Sam's fingers carding through his hair made him feel at once incredibly cozy and also nervous-- some strange, tingly feeling was filling his gut and his cheeks were burning. It reminded him of the feeling of holding Sam's hand last night, only much more intense.  
"I can… sleep right here?"  
"Mmhm. Well, actually you're a little heavy."  
"I--I'm sorry."  
Higgs rolled over and made to get up, but Sam took him back into his arms so that he was spooning him.  
"Oh…. Uh--"  
"Goodnight, Higgs."  
Swallowing thickly, Higgs realized what those weird feelings were. With Sam's body pressed up against his, his adrenaline started spiking again.   
"I can't actually feel that way about him, can I? He's... He's a guy. He's Sam. What's wrong with me?" Higgs wondered frantically. His squeezing and fluttering heart seemed to be answering him pretty clearly enough. And it felt familiar-- it felt familiar in response to being near him.  
He thought he caught a strange scent from Sam, who had fallen asleep, one arm still slumped over Higgs' waist. A scent that smelled, to him, like early spring, like the chill of early morning, and the salt of beach waves. As he drifted to sleep, he thought he caught the scent of love and fear.

When Sam awoke, the pieces from last night hadn't quite reformed themselves in his head, and he was momentarily stunned to feel another body lying next to him.  
And when it came back to him, he opened his eyes to see his old nemesis indeed sleeping peacefully next to him.   
There were still streaks of slightly discolored tear tracks under his fanned eyelashes, but his face otherwise looked as relaxed as he'd ever seen it. Up close, he could see the impressions of the equations on his forehead, no longer filled in with chiral crystals.   
In his heart, he was an absolute mess. Sam was already feeling confused enough about his reawakened twisted crush on the other man, and now the feelings had just intensified exponentially overnight. He never would've thought he would have ever felt so heartbroken hearing this man-- who he once thought absolutely evil-- crying like that.   
He knew if he lingered there any longer the urge to touch or kiss him would've grown excruciating, so he got up to check on Lou and prepare for the day.

The sounds of rummaging and baby laughter, and the smell of breakfast woke Higgs from a dreamless sleep. For a moment, as he awoke, all he could think of was how comfortable it was to have slept so long on a real bed. He felt better rested than he could ever remember.   
And then the memories of last night rolled into the forefront of his thoughts. He sat up and, after rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, looked around Sam's rather sparse and plain room.  
A dreamcatcher hung on the wall. Some photos of different people. Sam with his baby. Crayon scribbles on looseleaf. Some furniture.  
Higgs was still too groggy and comfortable to hold onto any overly negative thoughts yet, and his mind was mostly focusing on remembering the feeling of being held by Sam. He hugged himself, closing his eyes and trying to recall the exact feeling of Sam's hands and strong arms. He didn't want to admit to himself how good it was-- how safe and happy it made him feel.   
Eventually, with a sigh, he hauled himself out of the incredibly comfy bed and made his way to the kitchen, where the father and daughter were already having breakfast.

"Mornin'."  
"Hey sleepyhead," Sam replied, grinning at him, "there's some food there if you want it. Help yourself."  
The initial happiness of the morning was starting to be strangled by the tendrils of doubt and guilt, and Sam's smile pained him.  
"Thank you kindly."  
He ate in silence as Sam talked to Lou, and she responded with a much shorter vocabulary. The fact that Sam wasn't acting awkward, and also hadn't kicked Higgs out, made him feel a little calmer. He knew he needed to get as far away as he could from Sam, but he was glad for the momentary peace.  
Once he finished his toast, he asked Sam, "so about how long does it take to get there?"  
"Around 7 hours, if we don't stop. We'll have to make stops, though. I'm thinking we should be there by nighttime."  
Higgs hummed in response. He was smelling something strange again from Sam, and the fact that he couldn't place it was bothering him. He scratched at his beard idly while he eyed his pack, wondering if he brought a change of clothes.  
"Once we get to your place, um... you'll still come around, right?"  
The scent got stronger. Higgs sighed and looked at Sam sadly. He didn't want to lie to him when he'd been so welcoming to him.  
And then it hit him: Sam was so sad that he was leaving, and wanted him to stay; he was so lonely.   
"Higgs?"  
There were other scents, too. Sam was scared of him. He could smell his distrust, and his apprehension.   
Clairvoyance?  
"I need some air."  
To his annoyance, Sam followed him out the door.  
"Let me be, Sam."  
"I'm just-- are you okay?"  
"Just fine," he huffed, and leant against the wall to watch the rain pour beyond the shelter. A hand suddenly on his arm made him jump.  
"About last night--"  
"Please don't. I'm so sorry, Sam, I don't know what the hell that was. It won't happen again."  
"No, it's... It's okay, Higgs. I'm glad I could've been there for you."  
Higgs looked at him with a pained expression. There was that scent again. Early spring flowers. It made him feel light-headed. His heart thudded heavily in his chest.  
"I… I guess I should get ready for the drive out."  
Sam was moving closer, putting his arms out, and Higgs pushed past him to go back inside.  
He wanted it so damn much-- to let Sam in, to let him touch him. But it was impossible. Impossible.

As the shower water enveloped him, Higgs hit his head against the cool tile.  
"Just one more day. One more day. You can handle being around him for one more day. And then he'll forget about you. And then you'll be a ghost again."


	5. Vampire on my Fridge

Much to Higgs' relief, most of the ride was quiet as they watched the changing landscape. Lou really seemed to be enjoying the ride, constantly chattering about things she saw outside, besides the BT areas.   
They stopped a few times along the way so that Higgs could deliver his last few packages.   
A few hours in and rain was pattering on the roof of the freshly printed truck, and Higgs had to wonder how long it would hold out during the journey. The outside had already started to rust a little.

Lou had settled down for a short nap, and even Higgs started to feel a little sleepy from the monotony of the ride.  
"You know," Sam said suddenly, and cleared his throat before continuing, "you're welcome to visit anytime. I mean that."  
Higgs looked over at Sam's stoic profile, eyes still on the road. He looked somewhat embarrassed.  
"Me 'n Lou don't get visitors. The truth is I haven't seen a soul since I went into hiding over a year ago."  
"You could probably go crazy like that, Bridges. You know that, right? It ain't good for her."  
"I know. That's why-- that's why I was hoping you could… I mean, if you wanted to, that is--"  
"Sam," Higgs interrupted, his voice soft, "I'm probably the worst fit for a friend you could ask for. You got better options to choose from."  
Sam sighed in response, but dropped the subject, and the ride was quiet again for the next few hours.

They stopped at a few places-- a mechanic and an engineer-- to pick up some supplies Sam had been needing. Higgs helped him haul the huge packages into the back of the truck.  
"Thanks."  
"No problem, Sammy."  
When they got back in the car, Lou was crying. Sam soothed her a little and told her they were almost done, and that they would eat dinner soon. The prospect of food calmed her down and she sniffled indignantly.

"Where are you planning on staying the night?"  
"Oh. I was hoping you'd uh, invite us in?"  
Higgs almost laughed that Sam was just inviting himself over, and to his stupid shack.  
"I… I mean there isn't even a bed."  
"I brought Lou's travel bed with me, and her things. There should be a chiral printer there, though. We could make whatever you don't got."  
"There-- there ain't much room. It's a mess."  
"I'll help clean up. I kinda wanted to, uh, be there in case going back there is sorta hard on you. You know, maybe some bad memories."  
Higgs sucked in air through his teeth and groaned.  
"You're too fuckin' nice to me."  
Sam chuckled, and mumbled, "yeah, I know."

As they pulled into the "Peter Englert" shelter, Higgs felt anxiety rush through his body. He knew there was nothing good to be learned in there; perhaps it was for the best if he had never gotten any memories back at all. But the want to put the pieces of his life back together tugged at him all the same.  
"Let me go in first for a hot minute, okay? I don't know if it'll be, well, safe for the little one to be around."  
Sam nodded, and since it was actually nice and not raining out, decided to take the time to take Lou outside for a little walk.

With one more glance at Sam and Lou tottering around in the grass, Higgs walked into his old bunker. The door had been left open. He couldn't remember if he'd left it that way, or maybe Sam did. Either way, tons of dust had built up on the tables and furniture in the outside hallway. Clearly no one had been in there in years.  
The main room was equally unchanged. Moldy and dusty pizza boxes were stacked up and piled around the room, and the photos and papers on the wall had yellowed somewhat with age. The words on the walls still stood out as boldly and ridiculously as they ever did.  
Higgs sat on his old cot and looked around dolefully. He wasn't having anywhere near as strong of a feeling from this place as he'd thought, or any clear memories. It was hard for him to believe he had ever been so unhinged.  
A part of him wanted to believe that maybe none of it was real, that he hadn't actually been such a horrible villain and that it was all just a bad dream.   
He took one of the photos of Sam off the wall and snorted gently.  
"You were a fucking pervert, Higgs," he muttered to himself, taking down a few more photos of Sam getting out of the hot springs. His face burned at the photos, but he quickly threw them in an already half-filled trash can in shame.   
There was so much to throw away that he felt a little overwhelmed at how much cleaning he'd have to do just to make it Lou-safe. 

He laid down on the cot and stared at the ceiling, letting the feeling of melancholic familiarity wash over him.  
He could feel all of his old feelings as he'd lie there countless times before: irritation, an inflated ego, manic energy, indescribable rage, so much rage that he felt like he could consume the Earth with his fiery hatred. He'd hated everything back then, filled to the brim with bitterness and tar.   
As he layed there trembling, his breathing becoming heavy, he remembered how much he just wanted to end everything. And the one shining light that made him question every single thing, even his own hatred and goals, was Sam. God, how he'd hated him so much.   
Higgs gripped at his chest, his heart thudding with all of the pain he'd forgotten. He remembered jacking off nearly every night to Sam, thinking about fucking him and killing him, sometimes at the same time. He had hated him with every fiber of his being-- he'd become so obsessed. He'd fallen into a pit he could never, ever get out of, even more than when Amelie had changed the course of his life forever. He'd fallen so madly in love in his own twisted way that it shook him to his core.   
"So that's why… even the first time I saw him, I knew there was something special…"  
Higgs could feel tears coming down his cheeks, and he wiped at them irritably. His skin still felt like it was buzzing with intense emotions, and he stood to pace the small room in agitation.  
Without the megalomania, all he was left with was directionless regret, guilt, and bottomless rage. It seemed to course through him like a poison, and he punched at the wall desperately, weak sobs wracking his body.   
"Why? Why??! Why did it… why did she have to… why did I even fucking survive?! I don't want to fucking be here! _Fuck!!_ "   
With one last hard punch at the wall that made his knuckles split open, he crumpled onto the floor and held his head in his hands.  
"No… why did it have to be like this? There's nothing left, nothing. There's nothing."  
Warm, strong arms suddenly encircled him, and he was pulled into a familiar chest, a hand holding his head to his shoulder.  
"Sshhh, Higgs, relax. I'm here. Take it easy."  
Higgs sobbed pitifully and kept trying to push Sam away, only to be pulled back in.  
"There's nothing fucking left. There's nothing left of me."  
"That's not true. Just take it easy, Higgs. Deep breaths."  
"I can't!! I can't, I can't--"  
"You can. Higgs, you're strong enough to get through this. Just take it one step at a time."  
Higgs shook his head against Sam's shoulder and sighed as the shorter man rubbed circles onto his back. Higgs' voice suddenly sounded very small, and if possible even more defeated.  
"Why do you even care?… Why are you even here?"  
Sam froze at those words, and pulled Higgs away gently, just enough to look at his face.   
Black inky tears covered his cheeks, and kept falling down in rivulets.  
"You should hate me. You should just kill me," Higgs continued, unaware of the evidence of DOOMS on his face.  
"I don't hate you. I… I never…"  
"I hated you so fucking much, Sam."

It was like a bucket of ice water had fallen on Sam.  
He shivered and let go.

"I hated you so much. You ruined everything. You... You…"  
Sam stood up and backed away slowly.  
Higgs rose to his feet and looked at him with an intensity he hadn't seen since their last fight on the Beach.  
"You made me think it might be fucking worth it. I was _so_ close. So _close_."  
"Made you think what was worth it?"  
"Living!! Being!! I wanted-- I wanted you!! So… so fucking much!!"  
Higgs closed the gap between them and grabbed at Sam's shirt, pulling him close into a tight hug, sandbagging on him so that the other man had to hold them both up.   
"I wanted you more than I wanted everything to end. You fucked it all up."  
"Jesus. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Higgs," Sam stammered, his voice cracking from the pain in his heart.   
They sank back into the floor in a similar position as before, Higgs crying into his shoulder and clinging to him as if he might disappear any moment. Sam just held him in a mixture of shock and heartbreak. He had a feeling being back here would do something to Higgs, but this explosion of emotion and DOOMS power had him terrified.  
As Higgs' crying calmed down, Sam ran his fingers through his hair.   
"Listen, Higgs. If… i-if you still want me, I'm right here. Okay? I wanted you to… to stay with me. Remember?"  
Higgs pulled out of his embrace enough to look at him, the rage in his eyes completely snuffed out, now just smoldering with sadness.   
"Isn't it a little too late for that, Sammy? I'm irredeemable."  
Sam sighed at this seemingly endless back and forth, and leaned in to rest his forehead against the other's. Higgs' breath hitched, cheeks coloring under the streaks of tar.   
The scent of rain and flowers was nearly overwhelming. Higgs could read it now; he knew exactly what it meant, but he didn't want to believe it.  
"I want you to stay with me," Sam murmured, his lips mere centimeters away from Higgs' own.   
The taller man trembled with sadness, desire and confusion. He looked into Sam's eyes shyly, searching.  
"Sam…"  
"Hmm?"  
"Even-- even after all that shit, you still…?"  
Sam just nodded, bumping their noses gently in the process. He pulled away from him and Higgs let out a heavy breath.  
"Lou's been waiting in the hallway in her play pen. Think she's waited long enough out there."  
Higgs turned his head away, face burning with shame.  
"I'm sorry. Yeah. Let's-- let's get this place Lou safe."  
"Let's get your hand wrapped up too."  
"Yeah."

An hour, a lot of dusting and several filled trash bags later, the room was liveable enough that Sam could set up Lou's crib. Higgs had discarded the old cot and assembled the newly chiral printed bed.

By the time they finished the sandwiches they'd brought with them, all three were absolutely exhausted. Lou was extremely cranky after the trip and took a while to settle down, way past her bedtime, but eventually settled in her blanket for a snooze.

Higgs collapsed on the hard bed and moved as close to the wall as he could, hoping to fall asleep before Sam even finished singing a lullaby to Lou.

The logistics of them sharing a bed that was much smaller than Sam's hadn't evaded him, and there'd been a knot in his stomach since he printed it. He still hadn't decided on exactly what he wanted to do, whether to stay in this old place on his own or move in with Sam. 

The light flicked off, leaving only the soft glow of Lou's nightlight.  
His heart thudded heavily as he felt Sam get into the bed behind him, still humming that lullaby. With his memories of Sam almost entirely pieced back together, and both his love and lust fully ignited again, he didn't know how long he could contain himself. How long he could keep his hands to himself.

Ironically, Higgs felt Sam's arm snake over his waist and pull him close, similar to how they had laid together last night.   
"What're you doin', Sam?"   
He couldn't help his voice from shaking slightly. He felt like a bomb ready to explode.   
"Getting comfortable."  
The taller man took a deep breath and just tried to force himself to sleep. Thoughts still circled around his head, namely what Sam felt for him, what his touches meant. He wasn't well-versed in even normal human interactions, let alone romantic ones.   
Sam snuggled closer to him and accidentally felt under Higgs' shirt while moving. 

The touch made his brain practically shut off, and he turned around to face Sam. In the dim light, he could see Sam was looking at him curiously.   
"What is it?"  
Higgs unthinkingly grabbed Sam's collar and went to roughly pull him close, but Sam clenched his hand over his quickly, eyes wide with concern.  
"What are you--"  
Higgs leant forward and pressed his mouth into his, kissing him feverishly and soon enough climbing on top of him. Sam gasped, which only allowed Higgs to force his tongue into his mouth, and grabbed Higgs' shoulders in an attempt to push him away. With the power of obsession and DOOMS coursing through him, Higgs held him down and kept kissing him with all the pent up passion that had been burning through him for so long.   
The feel of finally doing this, finally dominating Sam like this, and Sam's scent was so overwhelming, so intoxicating that Higgs couldn't even think to stop.   
Higgs took a breath and moved to kiss and bite ravenously at Sam's neck, moaning gently and beginning to rock his hips against the other's.  
Sam had given up on trying to stop him and panted and moaned quietly under him, clawing at his back.  
"H-Higgs, Jesus, slow down," Sam whispered through heavy breaths, as Higgs licked over the length of his throat.   
He absolutely couldn't stop, couldn't slow down; he could barely think at all.  
Higgs broke away from him just to take his own shirt off and fumble around trying to take off Sam's.  
"Hey, I said slow down--"  
Sam's complaints quickly turned into quiet moans as Higgs licked, sucked and bit at his nipple while feeling down his belly and under his pants.  
"Higgs, Higgs please," Sam plead, his voice thick with pleasure but also nervousness.   
As Higgs leaned up to start pulling his pants off, Sam grabbed his arms and pushed him over with all his strength.   
"Stop it, damn it!"

Blinking away the haze that had been over him, Higgs leaned up on the bed and just stared at Sam with wide eyes.  
"Jesus Christ, Higgs," Sam panted, and turned on his side to face him, "what the fuck?"  
Shame washed over the villain like a wave on the Beach.   
"I… fuck, I'm-- I'm so sorry. Fuck. I wasn't thinking."  
"Clearly," Sam snorted, looking a mixture of amused and wary. His upper chest and face were flushed, and an angry hickey was forming on his neck.   
"Sam, I…"  
Higgs felt utterly lost, like the floor had fallen in on him. A cold knot formed in his stomach. He yelled at himself in his head that Sam had _just_ warmed up to him, had _just_ invited him to stay with him, and now he ruined everything.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, voice shaking, and went to get up to leave before Sam grabbed his arm.  
"Wait. Higgs, just take it easy."  
Sam pulled him back down and got close to him again.  
"Just… go slow."  
The words made no sense to Higgs at all, and he creased his eyebrows in confusion and concern.  
"I can go sleep on the floor out there."  
Sam chuckled and sighed in exasperation, and put an arm around Higgs.  
"No, I... I want this. Just… not so fast. Please. Like this," Sam murmured and leaned in to kiss Higgs gently. He ran his fingers through Higgs' hair and caressed his cheek with the other.  
Trembling, Higgs melted into the kiss and kissed back just as gently, tears of relief and guilt rolling down his face.  
He'd never felt anything like it in his life, being treated so delicately and lovingly. The passion came naturally to him, to just take what he wanted. This was something so incredibly foreign and wonderful that it left him shaken.  
When they broke apart, Sam smiled at him, his eyes kind and patient. He thumbed away Higgs' tears, the tar smearing across his beard.

"You okay?"  
Higgs nodded, and leaned into Sam, hugging him tightly and pulling them to lie down. He was in shock; a part of him had never expected Sam to actually reciprocate his feelings at all.  
"Um… what about you?"  
"I'm more than okay."  
Higgs laughed sadly and buried his face in Sam's hair.  
"I thought you were gonna kick my ass. Or worse, never speak to me again."  
"The ass kicking can wait until morning."  
They laid still for a while, just enjoying each other's presence. 

"Man, that was really fucking hot though," Sam admitted quietly.  
Higgs laughed and leant up to look at him.  
"Oh? You like getting ravaged by your old enemy?"  
Sam frowned, but his cheeks reddened noticeably.  
"By _you_. But don't take that as an invitation."  
Higgs smirked and settled down next to him again, wrapping an arm and a leg around him.  
"It's not my fault I'm so fucking turned on by you."  
"It is absolutely your fault. Nutcase."  
"Nah," Higgs muttered, trailing a hand over Sam's chest, tracing the handprints, "you've got me under your spell."  
Sam placed a kiss on his cheek, and Higgs immediately turned to kiss him deeply.  
"Mm, I just want you so bad. So bad," Higgs sighed, but didn't do anything more. Sam hugged him, appreciating the restraint.  
"You have me."  
"I mean I want to fuck you," Higgs whined, and pressed a chaste kiss to his jaw. Sam chuckled.  
"Oh, so that's what you meant. Well, you'll have to settle for my love first."  
Higgs froze, and stayed quiet for a moment, the words repeating in his head over and over.  
"You don't... You don't mean that."  
"I, um, literally can't get it up unless I already love the person first."  
Higgs sat up and looked at him as if seeing him for the first time, eyes wide and intense.  
"You're fucking with me."  
"I think it's called, like, demisexuality, or something like that."  
Higgs scoffed, but still stared at him, unable to believe what he was saying despite having smelled it on him already.  
"You love me?"   
Higgs' voice sounded empty even to himself. This was beyond his comprehension, out of his comfort zone.   
Pursing his lips in an embarrassed smile, Sam nodded. Nothing about him seemed to indicate he was lying, besides how absurd of an idea it was to Higgs. He shook his head, grimacing in frustration.  
"Makes no sense," he mumbled finally, "I'm ugly, inside and out. Your demi-sex thing don't account for that."  
Sam scoffed and rolled his eyes.  
"Ugh, don't do that compliment fishing thing."  
"W-what?? I'm not," Higgs laughed, squinting his eyes in confusion.  
Sam looked up at him with eyes brimming with a complex array of emotions, and reached up to caress his cheekbones and jaw gently. The attention was uncomfortable for Higgs; he felt as if Sam was looking right into his blackened and warped soul. He wanted to look anywhere else or pull away, but instead he nuzzled into Sam's hand and kissed his palm.  
"I'm not gonna tell you you're not a pain in the ass."  
Higgs let out a breath of a laugh and smiled at him.  
"I ain't gonna sugarcoat it. You were a really fucked up and dangerous son of a bitch before. And you're still fucked in the head. And yeah, sometimes I worry… especially as your memories come back, what you might do."  
Higgs' eyes began clouding over with sadness, his heart tumbling from its precarious position in confused elation.  
"So why bother if you know I'm trash?"  
"You're beautiful," Sam insisted firmly, sighing as inky tears rolled down Higgs' cheeks again. "And I want you to be with me. And I-- I hope that you love me too."  
The black tears were flowing in full force, and Higgs hiccuped a sob before Sam pulled him down to kiss him, tasting the tar rolling down as their tongues entangled passionately.  
Eventually Higgs was crying too much to continue kissing, and just buried his face in Sam's chest and shook gently with silent sobs. Sam pet his hair gently and stared at the ceiling, wondering at what a strange situation this was.   
Higgs' crying finally calmed down after a bit, but he continued to lie there, overly exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster the day had been.  
"You know," Sam eventually murmured after a while, "your DOOMS is back. I dunno if you noticed."  
When there was no reply, Sam looked down to see Higgs' shoulders rising and falling, his breathing regular. A gentle snore vibrated into Sam's chest.  
The older man chuckled and put his arms around Higgs, and closed his tired eyes. Maybe tomorrow would be less chaotic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "you've got me under your spell"   
> Reference to Under Your Spell by Desire.


	6. No More Runnin

Ripped out of a nightmare about the Beach, Sam awoke to Lou crying and screaming.

Higgs was rocking her and whispering to her desperately, but it didn't seem to be doing any good. When she saw Sam get up, she screamed "DADDY!" and reached for him, her poor little face scrunched up with grief.  
Higgs handed her over and the crying stopped immediately, but she still hiccuped and sniffled, clinging to Sam's shirt.  
"What's wrong, baby girl? Sshhh shh shh, it's okay. Take it easy," Sam murmured to her gently.  
"She just woke up crying like that, I--"  
Higgs looked worried while he tried to explain, clearly paranoid that Sam might've thought he made her cry.  
"Hungee!!"  
"Okay, okay. Let's get you some breakfast," Sam chuckled and rubbed her back gently.  
Higgs deflated with a sigh, rubbing the back of his neck. 

After helping Lou eat her breakfast, Sam went out with her to pick up the last of the supplies at Lake Knot before they would head back home.

Higgs took the opportunity to pace the little bunker and wrack his brain over whether or not he wanted to go back with Sam. How he'd behaved last night, and what he'd saw when he woke up left him with a heavy ball of doubt in his stomach over his own self-control.  
He traced his fingers over a cheek idly, remembering the trails of black tears smeared across his face that he woke up to that morning.  
Sam hadn't said anything, at least he didn't remember if he did. Would Sam really stay with him even if his DOOMS was back? It was unthinkable enough that he'd still wanted him to come back with them even after he'd forced himself on him like he did. The memory made his stomach turn-- just another time where he felt out of control of his brain.

In the end, he decided to take the chance. At the very least, seeing BTs would be helpful for protecting Sam and Lou.

Higgs searched the lockers for anything to pack up, and found a few articles of clothing, including much better boots and his old Demens cloak, a couple guns, a well-stocked ammo can and a well-worn diary. He didn't recognize it, but could imagine what it contained; he held the diary gingerly, feeling somewhat nervous about its contents, and decided against looking through it for now. There were a few books around the room he wanted to take with him too; softcover textbooks on particle physics and history, a few adventure novels, a comicbook. He packed everything in an old porter pack he found shoved in the back of one of the lockers.  
In the outside zipper section he found his old eyeliner, and barked a laugh to himself while twisting it in his fingers.  
"Might look a lil weird these days," he mumbled to himself with a shrug before deciding to pocket it anyway.

With a knock on the door, Sam let himself in. Higgs slung the heavy pack onto his back and met him in the hallway, and Sam smiled at him.  
"So you're coming with us," Sam didn't so much ask as stated.  
"Can't exactly say no to a shower and hot dinners."  
"Uh huh. Well, let's get going, I picked up some snacks for the ride."

Somewhere along the drive, when Higgs got thoroughly bored of either the silence or Lou's singing, he decided to bring up a topic he wanted to get over with.  
"You saw the tar last night, huh."  
"That and you suddenly got like super strength out of nowhere. Kinda hard to ignore that," Sam grunted in response.  
Higgs hummed darkly, watching as BTs in the distance passed them by. At first it chilled his spine, but he soon grew accustomed to them.  
"I can see 'em again too. So many…"  
"That'll be useful for your job anyway."  
Higgs chuckled and looked at Sam with a raised brow.  
"You really don't give a shit, do you? Christ, if I didn't know better, I'd think nothing could get past that brick wall head of yours."  
"Hm. Well fuck you, too," Sam smirked.  
Higgs laughed in surprise.  
"Hey!! Hey, now. No cussin' in front of the baby."  
"Can't believe you're trying to steal my baby from me. I saw that paternal look this morning."  
"I'm-- what?!" Higgs snorted, trying to pretend to sound scandalized over his laughing, "No way. I mean, I ain't changing diapers, that's for damn sure."  
"Least you'll be the breadwinner anyway, huh."  
"Oh, so that's what all this is about. You're roping me in, saddling me down with a baby just to bleed me dry. There's always a siren, ain't there."  
Sam was chuckling amicably, and the sound was making Higgs' heart feel light and fuzzy.  
"Crazy old man," Higgs mumbled, and shook his head before continuing, "well, long as you've got nothing against my having DOOMS again, I guess that's fine. No idea if I can jump yet, though. Don't really want to try."  
"Could you take over for a bit? I'm getting kind of tired."  
"Yeah, sure."

Higgs found himself driving the rest of the way because Sam was out like a light after 10 minutes.  
There was something so peaceful about driving along the empty roads, no BTs to bother them, with Sam and Lou snoozing away and nothing but the sound of light timefall rain pattering on the roof. He hadn't wanted to disturb him at all, but eventually had to wake Sam back up for directions once they hit the valley area.

The drive into the mountains was a lot less peaceful; the nearby BTs had Lou whining and Sam worried, but since Higgs could straight up see them now, they were much easier to avoid. The crappy back roads themselves were much more annoying to deal with.

"Ugh, who made these godforsaken shittyass roads," Higgs grumbled, trying to navigate up a ridiculously steep slope and onto a slippery gravel road.  
"Uh, well I did."  
"Do a better job next time, will ya?"  
"I don't have any trouble with them. And besides, keeps people out."  
"Hm. Fair point, Sammy."

Once they made it to Sam's house, he let out an exaggerated sigh. Lou clapped and was excited to get inside and play with her toys.  
"Made it back in one piece."  
"I guess I'll drive next time," Sam smirked at him.  
Higgs mumbled to himself as they unloaded the truck, including "guess I'll drive next time" in a goofy voice.  
"I can hear you."

"Where should I put my stuff?" Higgs asked, looking somewhat lost with his backpack on his back. Everything else had been put away.  
"Umm. My room, I guess. I have room in the closet and some room in the dresser too."  
Sam lead him to his room and sat on the bed as Higgs put his bag down.  
"You're gonna want me barging in your room in the middle of the night to get things?"  
"Well, we can-- I mean, I was gonna suggest we can share the room. So you don't have to sleep on the couch," Sam said, his voice a little nervous.  
Higgs paused while pulling a few books out of the pack, and frowned while his cheeks dusted with pink.  
"You're asking me to sleep with you."  
"Well… yeah."  
Higgs felt the breath leave his lungs and he dropped a book, cursed under his breath and picked it back up, holding it to his chest almost like a shield to his heart.  
"I-- I'll think about it. I'll get back to you on that."  
Sam looked away with a somewhat triumphant grin and just rubbed at his beard for a bit before leaving the room to continue playing with a hyperactive Lou.

At some point they went outside to play in the little back yard area, if you could call it that, and Higgs declined the invitation to lie on the couch with a book. He wanted to be as outside of his head as possible for a while.

Once the sun set, Sam and Lou were back inside and Sam started making a simple stir-fry dinner.

A small book being pushed onto the one he was reading broke Higgs out of his concentration.  
Lou stood in front of the couch looking at him hopefully.  
"Read book."  
Higgs huffed a sigh, dog-eared his own book and sat up to pull her up on his lap.  
"Alright alright. Oof, did you get heavier?"  
Lou giggled and got comfortable while he flipped to the first page of the picture book.  
"No, no. This first," Lou explained as if Higgs was dumb, and pointed to the cover of the book.  
"Okay. Go Dog Go. Are there even any dogs around anymore?"  
Lou gave him a look that said extraneous questions were not in the normal routine of reading her books, and puffed out her cheeks. Higgs rolled his eyes and continued reading to her. She settled in and hugged him, and even though it was rather strange and new to be dealing with a kid, Higgs couldn't deny there were some tuggings at his heart strings.  
"Do you like my hat?"  
"No!" Lou laughed. Higgs patted her head and smiled.  
"I do not. Good bye."  
"Good bye!"

Lou looked about ready to go get another book once Higgs finished that one, but Sam cleared his throat and they saw him watching them from the doorway.  
"Dinner's ready."  
"Yaay!" Lou squealed.  
As Higgs headed to the kitchen, Sam took his arm.  
"Thanks for keeping her out of my hair for a bit."  
"No problem," Higgs shrugged, looking over at Lou fondly.  
"That was really cute, you know," Sam said, and leaned up to kiss his cheek and made his way over to the table. Butterflies seemed to pull a small laugh out of Higgs' mouth, and he rubbed the spot on his chest over his squeezing heart.

After dinner, Sam took Lou to settle down and read more books before getting ready for bed.  
Higgs went back to his book, but found it hard to concentrate, knowing he'd have to decide whether to sleep there on the couch or with Sam in his bed. The main issue was whether or not he could control himself, and he felt like the answer was probably not. Especially now that he knew what it felt like to kiss him, to get those sounds out of him, that Sam was noticeably turned on by it. Higgs bit his lip and tried to stifle those memories and focus on what to do. 

He still hadn't come to a decision, though he was leaning towards "no," when Sam came in and sat next to him.

"Hey. So… have you decided yet?"  
"Um…" Higgs sighed, closed his book and faced Sam. His eyes were drawn to the hickey still on his neck.  
"I'm gonna say it's probably not in your best interest, Sammy."  
Sam frowned a little and took Higgs' hand.  
"Why not?"  
"Eh, why not?" Higgs laughed in exasperation, narrowing his eyes at him, "did you forget what happened last night? I can't-- I can't guarantee it won't happen again."  
"I'll just stop you again."  
Higgs looked dumbfounded and shook his head.  
"You got a screw loose, you know that?"  
"Look who's talking."  
Higgs grimaced and mumbled a "very funny," and looked down at their hands. He laced their fingers together much like the other night, and rubbed his thumb over Sam's fingers.  
"Sammy. You must already know that I want to. That's... I'm sure that's no mystery. I never made myself subtle, you know, even back then."  
Sam hummed in response, scooted closer and leant his head against Higgs' shoulder.  
"I don't know how this shit works. I mean I have an idea? But… well, even besides knowing nothing about what I'm supposed to do, I don't think I can control myself so close to you like that. It might not bother you, but it bothers me. I don't want to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable."  
"News to me," Sam grumbled.  
Higgs groaned and fell over onto Sam's lap, and glared up at him.  
"Not anymore. Good lord."  
Sam laughed, and smoothed over his hair. Higgs sighed at the contact and fluttered his eyes closed.  
"I was kidding. I know, things are different. I'm willing to make a tiny sacrifice to be closer to you. I know you're still struggling with getting your bearings with the memories stuff."  
"Well, that's a nice way to put it. Why are you so sure I won't go too far?"  
"Why are you so sure it'd be so bad for me if you did?"  
Higgs looked up at him with concern.  
"Sam… you know you're not supposed to just put up with non consensual bullshit, right?"  
Sam shrugged.  
"Jesus Christ, Sammy."  
"It's really not that big of a deal."  
"No, no, it really is. Fuck. I was wondering why you were… Sammy," Higgs sighed and sat up next to him to look at him, "how many… non consensual encounters have you had? I mean, besides just innocent touches?"  
Looking somewhat uncomfortable, Sam looked away in thought.  
"I don't know, a few? It really wasn't so bad. I mean, with my ex-wife I usually ended up liking it eventually--"  
"No, no, no. Just stop. Ugh, Jesus Christ. Okay."  
Higgs rubbed at his face in annoyance and then just held his head in his hands.  
"I definitely can't fucking sleep next to you, Sam. I'm really sorry, but it ain't happening."  
Sam looked crestfallen, and chewed at his bottom lip for a moment.  
"Did I say something wrong?"  
Higgs let out a sad, sharp laugh and shook his head.  
"No, Sam, you didn't say anything wrong."  
"Is it because I'm not a virgin?"  
Higgs looked up at Sam with wide eyes. He couldn't believe the things coming out of his mouth during this conversation.  
"No!! Sam!! No, don't leave. Please don't cry. Oh, Christ almighty, Sammy," Higgs cried, pulling the other man into his arms after he'd tried to slink away, tears in his eyes. Sam stifled a sob and returned the hug, feeling more embarrassed and rejected than he'd felt in a long, long time.  
"Am I... Am I damaged goods?"  
"No. Sam, stop. You're perfect. Don't think like that," Higgs muttered, holding him as tightly as he could and resting his cheek against his hair.  
"Then why… don't you want to…"  
"I don't want to hurt you."  
"You won't hurt me."  
"For God's sake, Sam," Higgs growled, and took his face into his hands to make him look into his eyes, "I'm not gonna let myself do anything you don't want me to do. And if that means I can't sleep next to you, then that's the way it'll have to be. Sammy," Higgs sighed and tried to make his voice softer when he saw the tears rolling down Sam's cheeks, "Sammy, I-- I love you. So much. You know that, right? You don't have to do anything for me that you don't feel comfortable doing."  
The effect he'd been hoping his words would have apparently didn't meet their mark. Sam looked away sadly, and pushed Higgs away.  
"You don't have to lie to me."  
"W… what?"  
"You don't have to pretend to love me if you don't."  
"Sammy, I…"  
Sam hurriedly walked to his room, leaving Higgs sitting on the couch in confusion.  
"What the fuck just happened?"

Higgs tentatively got up and crept toward Sam's room, where the door was ajar. Sam was taking off his clothes angrily before sitting on the bed and cursing to himself.  
Higgs figured he'd give Sam a little space before trying to talk to him again, and went back to the couch. All he could do was stare at the ceiling and replay the conversation over in his head, trying to figure out why Sam was so hurt.  
Perhaps he'd never realized what had happened to him was considered such an upsetting thing. Apparently it made Sam think he thought less of him for it, even enough to reject his confession like that. 

After some time passed, Higgs crept back to Sam's room and this time entered it slowly.  
Sam was lying on his stomach with his face buried in his pillow.

"What do you want?"  
Higgs laid in bed next to him and took him into his arms. Sam gasped softly, but didn't fight against it.  
"I thought you didn't want to be in here with me."  
"I'm not gonna take advantage of you when you're this upset," Higgs murmured, and cupped his cheek and leaned in to kiss him.  
Sam kissed back with more passion than Higgs had expected, and put an arm around him. When they broke apart, Higgs caressed his face and hair while trying to decide what to say. Sam leaned into his touch, eyes still slightly red from crying.  
"Listen, Sam. I don't know how your other relationships worked, but believe me when I say that just because I don't want to force myself on you doesn't mean I don't love you or want to be with you. It's the exact damn opposite. You hear me?"  
Sam still frowned, but nodded tiredly.  
"I'm not lying to you. I can't fucking believe this is something I even have to convince you about," Higgs chuckled, voice thick with sadness and affection, threading his hand through Sam's hair, "I never thought I hid it well. Amelie sure didn't think so. I've loved you for a long, long time."  
Sam visibly stifled a sob, nodded and buried his face in Higgs' chest.  
"Oh, my Sammy," Higgs laughed sadly, and kissed the top of his head. Sam clung to him, but didn't seem to be crying.  
"I'll stay here tonight, okay?"  
Sam nodded again, and sighed.  
"I still want you here every night. I wish you could just not go quite so far, you know, for a little bit. I-I've never done anything with a guy before," Sam said, his voice slightly muffled against Higgs' shirt.  
"I'm sorry. I haven't either, to be honest."  
Sam leaned up and captured Higgs' mouth with his own, and after tilting his head for better purchase, let his tongue in to lap against the other's. Kissing him back with fervor, Higgs rubbed circles on his lower back. Even after all of the complicated feelings that came with the last few nights, his heart felt like it was going to burst. It felt surreal that Sam would actually care so much about him, that he could love him back. Sam tugged on the hem of Higgs' shirt.  
"Can you take this off?"  
Higgs blushed lightly but nodded, and leaned up to pull his shirt off. When he laid back down, Sam hugged him close and seemed content with just the skin to skin contact.  
They stayed that way for a while, before eventually moving around so that Higgs was spooning Sam.  
"Hey Sammy?" Higgs murmured tiredly, his face buried in Sam's shoulder.  
"Hm?"  
"Can we have pizza tomorrow?"  
Sam laughed quietly.  
"Of course."


	7. Vapor Fire and the Shadow of Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Gee WhiskeyandStout," you may be thinking, "you sure do like guns and alcohol."
> 
> Yes, but never at the same time.

Unfortunately for Higgs, he awoke with a start halfway through the night, panting and sweating. It hadn't been a nightmare this time, and it might've been better if it had been. 

Sam was still lying with his body pressed into him. Higgs' twitching, hard cock was pressed into his ass, and for a moment he had to close his eyes tightly and count to ten while taking deep breaths.  
He rolled over the other way and tried to catch his breath.

In his dream, it had been back during his time as Particle of God, Herald of the apocalypse, and all that.  
He'd been on a mission to make Sam's trip toward the tar belt inconvenient. 

Amelie said "no weird stuff." Yeah, right.

He'd ended up ambushing Sam near the valley of the Western mountains. He sent BTs after him, but that wouldn't slow him down, no. Sam took them down like nothing, so Higgs figured it was time for a hands-on approach.  
Making tar appear under him, Higgs jumped to be right in front of Sam and push him down into the tar. Naturally, he got on top of him and stuck his tongue down his throat.  
Because it was a dream, or maybe because he'd had that manic, megalomaniac mind, it felt so overly stimulating, so incredibly arousing.  
Even though Sam had been fighting back, Higgs ended up fucking his brains out right there in the tar.

It wasn't a rare dream for him-- in fact, he dreamt similar things often before he lost his memories. 

But now that he had them back, and especially after last night, Higgs couldn't help the cold pit of shame fill his gut at having dreamt such a thing.  
Even so, he was still hard as a rock, and Sam's body lying right behind his made him tremble. He held himself and tried to convince his dick to just go the fuck down already, but it wouldn't listen to reason.

Sam rolled over and put an arm around Higgs, and kissed his shoulder.  
"Are you okay?"  
Higgs let out a breath and nodded, not trusting himself to even speak.  
Sam slid a hand down Higgs' waist and hips gently, and the taller man let out a quiet moan.  
"Uh, Higgs?"  
He knew he couldn't trust himself, and maybe even Sam, to not escalate the situation anymore, so he got up and ran out as fast as he could.  
"What-- Higgs! Are you okay?"

Higgs ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind him, and slumped against the door.  
His pulse thrummed in his head, and he scrubbed his face with his hands irritably.  
Once he got his breathing under control he made his way to the shower, peeling his clothes off on the way.  
His erection had only gone down slightly. After he turned the water on to a warm temperature, he leaned his forehead against the tile and took himself into his hand and started pumping it gently. His eyes fluttered closed as he let out a sigh.  
He imagined being able to do the things he wanted.  
To actually dominate Sam, to fuck him even against his will.  
To hear his sounds of struggle and pleasure coiled together. To just take him when he wanted, to have complete control.  
Even as Higgs fucked his fist and panted quietly, the images in his head drawing him closer and closer to the edge, that shame and guilt still ate at him, almost making the pleasure even sweeter. 

As he fucked into his hand faster, hand concentrating more on the head, his mind returned to that dream where he was slamming Sam into the tar. 

His delivery outfit was all torn up, packages strewn everywhere, pants around his knees. He'd been begging Higgs to stop, that the pain was too much and he'd rather die. But Higgs kept going, fucking him without mercy, grabbing a fistful of his hair and pulling him close for a ravenous kiss. 

"Fuck," Higgs moaned to himself quietly, voice shaking with arousal. He was so close now, and began jacking himself unsteadily. 

He imagined that Amelie and Fragile and whoever else Sam gave a shit about at Bridges would either see them or hear them through Sam's cufflinks. That they would know Higgs was defiling their hero and making him his bitch. He imagined forcing Sam to cum, making him moan his name out loud.  
Higgs' body shook with each ejaculation, and a strangled moan tore through his throat.  
After pumping out the last bit of semen and watching it go down the drain, he heaved a sigh and leant against the wall. 

The post-orgasm clarity came quicker than he'd hoped, and as he'd barely finished cumming, he was already crying, feeling that cold guilt form a nauseous knot in his gut.  
Even if he hadn't actually done any of it, just the idea that it was such a turn on to him, that it was something he actually got off to, made him feel sick.  
"I'm a fucking monster," Higgs growled, and ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

After actually washing up, he decided it'd probably be a good time to go out and do some deliveries. 

When Sam awoke in the morning, Higgs was gone.

There was a note on the dresser saying he'd be out until night time doing deliveries but that he'd bring home dinner. 

Even though he supposed it was probably… normal? behavior for Higgs as a deliverer, he couldn't help but feel slightly concerned after he seemed sick last night.  
But Sam shook off the feeling and got to starting his day.

Late that night, there was a knock on the door. Sam had been giving Lou some applesauce as she distractedly played with a toy that was on her highchair table. Excitedly, he put her bowl of food down and went to the door, opening it without even thinking to check who it was.

A stranger, a Bridges employee stood there.  
Not in a delivery uniform or any one Sam really recognized, but BRIDGES was still emblazoned on the jacket.  
The man, whose expression Sam couldn't read behind dark sunglasses, did a mock bow.  
"Good evening, Mr. Porter Bridges."

Higgs trudged through the hilly forest, a hot pizza and a six pack of beer on his back and his mind buzzing with all sorts of differently worded apologies.  
He didn't exactly feel too guilty about that early morning anymore, but more just more about himself, in general.  
He knew he could never be a good or normal boyfriend or partner, but he figured apology dinner was at least a start.

As he rounded the trees toward Sam's bunker he saw a man, a stranger standing near the shelter entrance. He was arguing. There were two voices raised, and Higgs immediately recognized the other to be Sam's.  
Higgs approached slowly, trying to hear what was being said, and meanwhile pulled his rifle off his tool rack.

"You'll have to send your fuckin' goons down here, then. No way in hell I'm giving her to you."

"You're a fucking criminal, might I remind you! We're giving you a chance to redeem yourself and show up with some dignity!"

"Fuck off."

Two shots rang into the air, and the Bridges man swiveled around with a look of shock on his face.

Higgs had his rifle pointed right at him.

"Shit. It's under control, put the gun down," Sam growled at him, bitterness at the situation showing in the frown on his face.

"Get the fuck out of here," Higgs ordered, still pointing his gun right at the stranger but without his finger on the trigger.

The Bridges employee finally collected himself, and let out a small laugh. He started walking away slowly, eyeing the tall armed porter with contempt.

"Fine," he scoffed, "if you want to do it the hard way, then fine. Bridges will still be on your ass regardless, now that I know where you are. And now the whole UCA will know, too."

With a flick of his wrist, he activated his cufflinks.

And with a blast from the chiral rifle, his head exploded in a gush of blood, brain matter and skull fragments.

Sam yelled and shielded himself from the blood.  
The man's body dropped to the ground like a ragdoll, the blast from the gun still echoing into the forest.

"Jesus... Jesus, what the fuck," Sam finally cried, his voice pitched up in panic. 

Almost robotically, Higgs handed Sam his pack.  
"Take this. I'll take him to the incinerator."  
His stomach turned at the dull, empty look in Higgs' eyes.

Sam backed into the door holding the cargo, watching Higgs lift up the headless body onto his shoulder. 

As Sam opened the door, he saw Higgs and the body disappear in a flourish of chiralium.  
He slipped in and slammed it shut after him, dropped the cargo on the floor and ran to Lou.  
She was crying, scared and confused.  
"Loud boom?" She whimpered as Sam took her from her high chair and held her close.  
"It's okay, honey, it's okay. It's all over."  
"Boo boo?" She asked, poking at the blood on Sam's arm.  
He let out a shaky breath and shook his head.  
"No, no boo boo. I'm fine. Everything is okay."

Internally, Sam had yet to begun panicking but his mind was in overdrive of what the hell they were going to do if the UCA found out one of their men was fucking murdered while out looking for him.  
How long would it take them to find out?  
Did they even know he was in the area?  
Would they come back here?

As he wracked his brain, there was another knock at the door. Sam put Lou back down in her chair and this time checked the security camera first, only to see Higgs standing there.  
He opened the door and quickly let him in, slamming the door as soon as he was in.

"Higgs, for Christ's sake--"  
"He's gone. Don't worry, I won't let them find us."  
"You fucking killed--"  
"I'm not gonna let them take you or Lou" Higgs stated firmly, taking Sam into his arms and holding him tightly. His voice was low and serious, and strangely monotone.  
Sam closed his eyes and hugged him back tightly, trying to reel his mind in.

"This is so fucking bad, Higgs."  
"No, it'll be okay," Higgs soothed, and kissed his cheek before looking him in the eyes, "I'd sooner drown the whole fucking valley in a sea of tar before I'd let them anywhere near you again."  
Sam sighed heavily, and felt like crying, but tried to swallow it and shook Higgs gently.  
"What the hell are we gonna do?"  
"Lie low. I'll protect you, don't worry."  
"Christ sakes, Higgs, we can't take on the whole damn UCA."  
"We're not going to. I'll make sure they can't even get close."  
"With… with your DOOMS?"  
Higgs nodded, and let him go to walk over to Lou, who was watching with anxious confusion.  
He lifted her up and hugged her.  
"Don't you worry your precious head, little darlin'. Everything will be just fine."  
She eyed him suspiciously, but hugged him back, and looked at Sam, who didn't quite know what to do or say.  
Higgs put her back in the high chair and announced loudly, "I have brought pizza!"  
Lou's eyes lit up at this.  
"Yeeaah! Pizza!" 

Sam didn't know how Higgs could eat pizza after all of that, but he seemed just fine.  
While he and Lou ate their fill, Sam just threw back a Timefall Porter. The alcohol did little to drown out the paranoia, but after a beer his stomach had begun to unknot enough for him to be able to eat at least a little.

"I'm trying to think of where we could even go to hide from this," Sam finally spoke up, staring down at the half of slice he couldn't finish.

Higgs took the piece and ate it himself.  
"We don't need to hide. He never got the transmission through."  
"Yeah, but…"  
"Just relax, Sammy. Probably won't even be on their radar until a couple weeks anyway. Here," Higgs said, and passed him another beer. Sam took it gratefully.

After dinner, Sam realized he was starting to get pretty tipsy, so he got Lou ready for bed as quick as he could. Luckily, she was pretty tired anyway, and went to sleep without much of a fuss. 

Higgs was lying on the couch reading a book, seeming awfully calm for what had happened. When he saw Sam enter the room, he sat up and smiled at him slightly.  
"Hey, want to finish the rest of those beers with me?"  
Sam let out a small laugh and nodded.  
"You read my mind."

They started drinking at the kitchen table, but by the last couple of beers they ended up in the bedroom.  
"Cheers," Higgs said, knocking his beer into Sam's before chugging a good portion of it.  
"Cheers."

Sam finally looked somewhat calmer, leaning against Higgs' shoulder, who sat up against the headboard. Higgs had his arm around him and gave him a little squeeze.

"I don't know if that was the right thing to do, you know," Sam slurred, occasionally sipping his beer thoughtfully, "but… thank you. For doing that."  
"You don't need to thank me, Sammy."  
Sam shook his head and sighed.  
"That's the second time you've saved us."  
"Hmm. Am I making you upset?"  
"No, that's not it," Sam murmured, and looked up at him, "Just makes me feel a little incompetent about protecting her, you know."  
"Well, I just got lucky."

"I'm really glad you're here," Sam blurted, staring into Higgs' eyes. His face and neck prickled with heat when Higgs smiled back at him, eyes slightly hooded.

"Well-- well, I'm glad you want me here," Higgs breathed, and put his beer down on the bedside table. 

Sam's heart sped up as the air in the room seemed to change, and the look Higgs was giving him made him feel already a little turned on. He mimicked Higgs and put his beer down, and moved over to straddle him.  
Higgs' breath hitched and his eyes darkened noticeably. He put his hands on Sam's hips as he laid his arms around Higgs' shoulders.  
"Sammy, you're so damn gorgeous," Higgs purred, and leant forward to give him a kiss before latching onto his neck, licking and sucking at his pulse sloppily.  
Sam sighed in pleasure and rolled his hips forward, grinding his crotch against the other's. Higgs groaned lowly, and moved his hands up to feel over Sam's chest under his shirt.

"Fuck, Sam, I'd-- I'd kill a million UCA fuckers for you. You have no idea," Higgs murmured between kissing his neck, jaw and lips, "no fuckin' idea how much I love you."

Sam's heart swelled at the sentiment, at the same time as it reminded him of what happened. As he tilted his head to kiss Higgs, his tongue grappling with the other's, he couldn't help but worry about what might happen to them.

His mind too drunk to hold onto an idea for too long, Sam became distracted by Higgs' hand suddenly feeling up his thigh and grabbing his butt. It felt good, and the horny sounds Higgs was making was driving him nuts.  
Before he knew what he was even doing, both of their shirts were off and he was tugging Higgs' pants down.  
He vaguely recalled them rolling over, and he was under Higgs.  
They were both naked, and Higgs had both of their dicks in his hands and he was rutting them together. Sam's hips seemed to move on their own. All he could feel was how good his erection felt moving against the other's, how good every touch felt, how loved and wanted he felt.  
And then Higgs had his mouth around his dick and was sucking, one hand pumping the base. Sam arched his back as he came hard into his hot mouth, body pulsing with pleasure. He shivered as he felt Higgs swallow while his dick was still in his mouth; so delightfully overstimulated.

The last thing he remembered before falling asleep was Higgs rubbing his dick between his ass cheeks and coming there on his back while they spooned, and the heavy weight of him as he passed out on top of him soon after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "How can you sit there and eat pizza?!"  
> -James Sunderland


End file.
